Becoming a Mother

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Being a mother was never something I thought about. I hated babysitting as a teenager. I never wanted our friends' kids around after we were married. I never really saw myself staying at home, changing diapers or playing on the floor, so after 2 years of marriage, I was shocked when the prompting came that it was time to have a baby. So with faith and hope that I might be a better mother than I imagined I would be, we decided to give it a shot. 

It was exciting and scary all at the same time, and I remember reading book after book about pregnancy, birth and mothering. I started paying close attention to the way my friends did things and took mental notes. When Jace arrived, I was again shocked by the immediate fierceness of my love for him. He was perfect and heavenly and I couldn't get enough of him or the new me...in less than 12 hours I had been transformed. 

Don't get me wrong, mothering was still tough. I was alone in a small condo, across the country from family with a husband that worked 80 hours a week. I had no clue what to do with a baby (hence the crazy, crying breakdown when my mom left...I mean the pull over to the side of the road because you can't see breakdown). To top it off, Jace cried for about 9 months unless I held him or bounced him and he hated to sleep. Looking back it sounds awful. But in the moment, I remember loving most of it. Never had I felt so loved, important or needed and I knew I'd found my place in the world...I would forever be a mother. 

Fast forward lots of years (9 to be exact) and mothering is still a constant passion and constant struggle. There are so many moments of rock bottom, so many moments of endless frustration, so many sleepless nights and so many indescribable highs, so many expressions unconditional love and so many moments of spiritual inspiration. My boys are better than we could have created, so I know they are God's children. I see a bit of heaven in each of them on a daily basis. I'm trying, so hard, everyday,  to be the mother God wanted them to have. 

I fall short often. I'm so glad mothering is not a competition with blue ribbons and cash prizes to the woman who does it best. There are oh so many times that are so vivid to me when I've wondered...really, this is as good as I get? As I apologize for my kid pushing someone off the slide or biting or hitting and wonder what I've done wrong. Or as I attend creative birthday parties or read about fantastic crafts other moms put together and think, Boy my kids are missing out. Or as I envy meaningful family traditions, find myself wishing my kids were back in school, or  know I am over- or under-disciplining and think, if only I were better, more loving or more consistent.

These thoughts used to come much more often,  but over and over I have had the spirit whisper to me, "YOU are who your boys need. They were sent to YOU for a reason. I know them, and I know you and I chose YOU to be their mother." After that profound feeling, I realized that what others do, doesn't really matter and I can rejoice in their strengths and successes without feeling inferior because I am who my children need and YOU are who your children need. That was God's plan. Each day I try to be a better me. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail, but everyday, I try because they are everything to me. They are all smart, kind, faithful and good boys who love me almost as much as I love them and I feel so blessed everyday to be their mother.

This year, I felt especially emotional as I opened their sweet cards. They are all old enough to write and it was so touching to read their words: 

JAMES

Each sentence started with, I Love My Mom 

 because She reads me a book

because She helps me with my homework

because She makes me laugh by tickling me

because She taught me how to read

I love to hear my Mom sing "Dynomite"

because she finds time to go for a walk

I know my mom cares because she lets me sleep in her bed when I am scared

I know my mom is smart because she knows math

I love my mom because she works so hard at the community center.

PARKER

I love Mom

because she reads me Magic Tree House

because she helps me clean my room

because she makes me laugh by tickling me

because she taught me how to read

I love to hear my mom sing Blue Skies

because she finds time to play with me

I know my mom cares because she makes me breakfast

I know my mom is smart because she know 12 times 10

I love my mom because she works hard at the community center

JACE

Dear Mom,

You make me breakfast and pay for school. You let me play outside and you are always nice. But most of all, you always love me. So it is my turn to love you just like how much I love babies. Roses are red, Violets are you. You are special in all that you do.

PIERCE

Just having him in our life...his smile, his giggle, the way he looks when he sleeps makes every sacrifice worth it.

MIKE

He just made it a perfect Mother's Day. I am so grateful for a husband who honors and values my role as a mother. He tells me all the time what a wonderful mother he thinks I am and he is constantly expressing his gratitude for all I do with the boys and around our house. It feels so good to be married to a man who values me and my contribution so much. It's been said that the best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother. If that is true, our children have it made.

So grateful for a wonderful Mother's Day!