Insights

I love General Conference weekend. I love hearing from the prophets and apostles and am always ready to rededicate myself to doing more. This year, for the first time in awhile, watching conference was difficult. Saturday soccer, 3 big boys, and a one year old made for a fairly chaotic weekend. In fact, half way through the Sunday session, I decided I would stop stressing out about trying to intently listen and just enjoy the spirit it brought into our home.

Amazingly enough, I had a profound insight that I needed for my life, but let me back up.

Having a baby in our home again has been wonderful...really magical, but ever since the beginning of September he has had ear infection after ear infection (actually the same one that wouldn't go away until the 3rd antibiotic). Mix that with teething, a husband who travels Monday-Thursday, was also gone for 12 days straight somewhere in there, and we have had a rather ugly 6 weeks with very little sleep and sometimes a complete stoppage of getting things done.

Here is where the gap between the kids can be tough. With all little kids, it was hard, but if your baby was having a rough time you could just lay low, hang out at home, watch a little more TV, spend time with friends, take a nap when the others slept, rejoice when they all went down at 7:30 and forget about all the rest...yes, you still paid for it, but you could get through the bad days.

With a baby and older kids too, life just can't stop. One particularly horrible night Pierce finally fell asleep at 5am, but we had a soccer game at 8:30, two more after that, a primary program practice, etc. and Mike was out of town. So I couldn't just sleep or take it easy, life had to go on.

In a less dramatic example, just every day life is busy with classroom volunteering, swapping babysitting (no family around), laundry, cooking 3 meals each day, music lessons, sports, homework, etc. Each night we are lucky to be in bed by 9:15, then I have to spend the next hour or so catching up on everything else or I start the next day in the hole. Plus, after having a space between kids, I am used to accomplishing things like keeping the house clean, staying on top of laundry, having some time to read or exercise, etc. My expectation for myself is different than it used to be.

Add to this my desire to finish decorating the downstairs of my home, our love of having friends in our home (we host something at least one each week...dinner, book group, ladies lunch, etc.), teaching Zumba, visiting teaching 4 ladies, magnifying my YW calling, hours of sports practice, meeting new friends, etc. and I was often feeling completely overwhelmed and exhausted with everything I had put on my plate. There were lots of days when Pierce was such a bother because he "wouldn't nap," "wouldn't let me put him down" "wouldn't drive for more than 5 minutes without crying," "wouldn't let me exercise, clean, etc." "wouldn't eat" "hated wearing a coat" "hated his stroller" You name it, we've gone through it these past few weeks. It was especially hard because he has always been such a wonderfully happy, cooperative baby. I was completely thrown for a loop with all the sickness and lack of sleep.

In between General Conference Sessions, I had a distinct impression, "Forget the stuff that doesn't matter right now. You know they are only little for such a short amount of time. Enjoy it."

As I stopped to reflect on the impression, more came. I felt that my desires were not wrong, just often ill-timed. I enjoy decorating and trying to develop a talent and create a place of beauty and harmony in my home, this is not a bad thing. However, if making it to IKEA before the next "big event" at our house was making me grumpy with Pierce, it was not worth it. If a DIY project was stressing me out, it was best to revisit it later, if my bookshelves were not looking right, I needed to be okay with emptiness on the bottom two shelves for now.

Having people to our home is a good thing. However, I often stressed about it too much. If having people over was going to make me grouchy to my kids or annoyed at Pierce because I had to spend all day cooking or everything wasn't perfectly clean, then we needed to cut back. Instead, I decided I would rather still welcome people to our home, but I would just change my attitude. If my floor didn't get mopped before something, it was okay. If I made something more simple, no big deal. If I asked others to bring more, just fine. If I didn't have one more project completed or one more corner filled, who cared. If my kids had to chip in, that was great and I would ask for their help with kindness and gratitude.

I realized no one even noticed that the floor was just spot mopped instead of scoured. They didn't care that my gallery wall didn't have any photos yet. Okay, I still went a little overboard with food but I love food. Everyone was just happy to be out and together.

So, I have turned over a new leaf. My focus is on my kids and the rest is a bonus. In order to have a happy home, it has to be clean so we started an allowance system and the boys have been extremely helpful and really great at getting their stuff done and it's cut my work load too. I spend most of my day playing with Pierce, holding him if he needs it and trying not to get worked up about his grumpiness. He's finally starting to feel better and we have an ENT appointment this week. I'm planning on getting out with him more...he's getting older and needing more fun in his life. I've realized I'm back to that only kid thing where most of the day is spent entertaining a little one. Some of his days are better than others and that is okay. I'm still decorating, but doing it when I have free time. I've stopped stressing about it or giving myself a deadline. I'm trying to exercise and going to start teaching Zumba twice each week instead of just once so I know I will at least exercise then. I will try to get one more day of exercise in somewhere.

I've discovered the Mormon Channel on my iPhone and it has saved me. I love listening to it as I clean or play with Pierce. It lifts me and inspires me. I'm so grateful for it. I'm trying hard to just take in all the little moments that I have with my kids because my life is beautiful and blessed. I have a loving and talented husband who does great things for others, has a great job, builds me up and treats me with love, kindness and respect, always. I have 4 darling kids who are healthy, smart, kind to each other and sweet to me. They strive every day to do the right thing. I have an extended family and close friends who shower me with love and support even from far away, I live in a great house in a safe neighborhood with good schools. I have a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who inspire me, love me and lift me. Plainly and simply, there is no room in a life like this for complaints or pessimism. I know one day soon I will wake up and wish it was all just like it is now, so I've decided to stop wishing it would hurry up and enjoy the little things.

*Note: this was written a few days ago, and Pierce is now back to being fun and happy. We paid a visit to the ENT at MOTT Children's Hospital and I was struck with all the little kids who have real, serious, life-changing health problems. I get teary just thinking about the hours their families must spend at the doctor's office or waiting for the next test result. I was especially struck by a mother with a 6 year old boy strapped into a wheelchair. He was moaning and whining in what seemed frustration and pain and she was lovingly stroking his face with her hand and trying to calm him while she kept an eye on her little girl. I can't imagine how many sleepless nights she must have and how the idea of doing anything she likes to do is probably very far down on her wish list. I said a silent prayer thanking Heavenly Father for 4 healthy, strong boys. I left the ENT office feeling extremely blessed and full of appreciation for my life.